the ennumerated successes and failures of a giant panda in its undergraduate career

1. i made it to the university level despite being a 350lb giant panda.
2. i committed to a 100% vegan diet for more than for years.
3. i founded the now defunct panda student advocacy club.
4. i was not a successful recruiter or fundraiser.
5. i presided over the collapse of the panda student advocacy club.
6. i was the first panda accepted into an historically WASPy fraternity.
7. i consumed a fistful of coke my freshman year.
8. that same year, i listened to dubstep and did not try to become a dj.
9. i have managed not to make friends with djs.
10. i worked as a community organizers for disenfranchised minorities in the region.
11. i fell in love with a girl.
12. i did coke with that girl.
13. i became addicted to coke and that girl.
14. i broke up with that girl and stopped doing coke as often.
15. i convinced my doctor i had adhd.
16. i learned the truth about add on adderall–that add did not exist and that adderall is recreational, mostly.
17. i became addicted to folk music and lacanian psychoanalytic theory.
18. i became addicted to adderall.
19. i switched to a USDA Organic-only bamboo diet.
20. i fell in love with another girl.
21. i learned that pandas don’t fall in love with people as much as they become swept up in a flurry of hormones and drives come mating season.
22. i learned that, as a panda, i’m no exception.
23. i failed to be exceptional.
24. i did shrooms.
25. i called my father while on psychedelic mushrooms.
26. i called my mother while on psychedelic mushrooms.
27. neither answered; they are pandas.
28. i did not use a telephone; i am a panda.
29. i had a lot of sex with a few women, none of whom i liked, all of whom seemed to feel it was “adventurous” or “exotic” to have sex with a panda.
30. i had a lot of sex on drugs.
31. i learned a lot about postmodernism.
32. i can smoke marijuana without becoming mute or paranoid.
33. i have discovered what makes me special.
34. i know what i am.
35. i know i am a panda.


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